Take me as I am

I was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar, well when I say recently I mean around 6 months ago. I'm writing this blog especially for anyone who suffers with it as well, because I know how hard it is to deal with, and no matter how many of your friends or family say "I understand." They don't and they probably never will. I mean I get it said to me all the time and I love them dearly for caring but it's worse when they say they understand, because it's as if they are taking it as a joke, and they know why I behave like I do.

This is my Story:

From about the age of 15, I had what I thought was just a bad temper. But It was so much more than that. I would get ridiculous mood swings over anything and everything. I would go crazy over stupid things, like if someone was staring at me. Even someone just touching me on accident would drive me crazy and I'd end up screaming and ranting and raving. (I'm still the same now!) I went through phases, and I still do now. The phases are basically, I can be happy and over excited, bubbly, talking too much, just hyper in general. (which is when I can really snap and have a severe mood swing.)

Then the smallest of things can change it completely, and I'll end up being really depressed and not wanting do to anything, or go anywhere, or do anything. Even communicating becomes a hard task. Although I have more of the "Mania" days than I do the really depressive days. Sometimes I just lay there in  the dark, and I mean It can be the middle of the day and I'll have all the blinds closed, curtains closed, I won't answer the door or my phone, I'll ignore everyone and everything and just want to sleep. I've had deep and dark thoughts, I won't go into them now but you will all understand what I mean.

I'm also severely paranoid about things. I constantly think people are lying to me. That includes my friends and family and everybody in general. I know they're not but I can't help it, because there was always a lack of trust as a child, from my the things my mother done (you'll read about this a few paragraphs down.)

I was on Citalopram for a while, until I was due to see my Psychiatrist, but I was taken off it after 2 months because It made me behave irrationally and I done things that weren't normal for me in the slightest. I went on 4 day drinking benders, didn't tell anyone where I was going. Turned my phone off. It was like I was a different person and when I finally snapped out of it, I was disgusted at myself. I also went through a 9 day phase of smoking cannabis, which isn't like me at all because I am the most anti-drugs person you would probably ever meet. Needless to say, I've not touched it since I've been off the medication. I'm just currently waiting to be put on mood stabilizers like Lithium (I'm sure most of you will of heard of it.)

A question I asked myself for a long time was "Why am I like this?"
When I first went to my doctor she would ask me things about the way I felt and such. So I told her and she asked had anything traumatic happened in my life, and I said to her I didn't class it as a traumatic event because there are people who have been through worse things than me and come out 100% fine. But she asked me and so I told her what happened to me as a child. It's nothing majorly bad even to now, but she made me realize, in my eyes it isn't traumatic to me NOW because I'm older and I can handle things like this but the age it happened to me (from when I was about 18 months up until the age of 4 years) I was brought up around hard drugs with two parents who are as bad as each other.

My Mother was worse and even to this day I don't and won't ever speak to her again. The life I started off with, nobody should ever have to. I witnessed things no child or even a human being should ever have to witness. It was horrible and even now that I'm 20 years old, soon to be 21. I STILL have nightmares about those few years.

I have a pretty good relationship with my Dad. He's turned his life around and has a new family and we're pretty close, I cant imagine my life without him now. I don't have any bad memories of him as a child. I just have questions which I probably won't ever get the answers to. For instance, Where was he when I was being left alone naked as a 3 year old in front of a burning hot fire, in a room full of what I now know were smack heads? Where was he when my mother would take me out and cheat on him? Why didn't he come home more often, and take me away from her? But those are things i just have to deal with by myself and the help of my Psychiatrist I guess.

I'm fortunate now, I was lucky to have my grandparents bring me up, so I had a stable up bringing. I'll always have those bad memories but at least I'm a better person than they ever were, and I have my family to thank for that. Although we don't always see eye to eye, but hey who does?

This was extremely difficult to write on the internet of all people. But I just want to say, if any of you think you're alone, please talk to someone - because you are not and never will be alone. If you ever need a chat or some advice, please e-mail me. or message me on here. I'll be more than happy to listen.